My brain operates in a very peculiar way, I suppose, and I’ve found myself trying to explain it many times over the years. Though my default setting is largely emotional, just ask my kids, my brain is very analytical in how it processes information, especially emotions. In fact, I can spend hours, months, sometimes even years, exploring a single concept, but in emotional situations, I survive by utilizing the “this too shall pass” mantra. 

I can read a history book and not be able to remember one single historical date, no matter how much I study, but I can give you a well thought out synopsis and some incredible insights. The same is true of names. I can literally have a good book open in my hand, be half way through it, enjoying every word, but if you ask me the names of the main characters, I may not be able to tell you. We can talk about the story in detail, but don’t ask me any details about the story. My brain literally does not care.

Perhaps this is a Generation X phenomenon? There is no doubt this is a result of my upbringing, during which I was repeatedly told to toughen up. Stop being a “sissy”. And we’ve all heard, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Oh, but they do. 

There’s other bits of advice that are absolutely destructive to someone who was born wearing her heart on her sleeve, like “never let them see you sweat”, “fake it til you make it”, or “put on your game face”. The fact is that at this point, unless something is so painful, so overwhelming, and so sudden that I’m unable to mask it, you’ll never know you hurt me, and unless you know me well, it’s likely you’ll never know just how angry you made me. 

Unfortunately, the same must be true when it comes to other emotions because I've been called cold, told I'm standoffish, heartless. Unemotional. The truth is that I may love you so powerfully, unconditionally, hold you in such high esteem, appreciate everything about you from the smallest kindness to the grandest gesture, and feel completely inadequate to properly express that. I'm also keenly aware that expressing those emotions makes me unimaginably vulnerable, so to offer them to you openly and without hesitation is the greatest gift, my purest offering, and the height of my bravery.    

So, how does this play out in my interpersonal relationships and my day to day dealings with people in general? If I give my brain one minute too long to sit with something that just happened to me, chances are I’m going to start breaking it down, and before long, I’m going to understand perfectly why someone did that thing, or why that thing happened. You can’t be mad when you have understanding. I can’t anyway. 

In reality, I have always found it to be a burden that my brain functions in concepts rather than just the cold hard facts. It would be easier to be mad, to plot revenge, to hate you. There have been times when I prayed for that anger because anger is easier and probably more fun. 

I can avoid you. I can remove myself from the situation. I might decide I no longer like you. If I have enough love for you, I’ll forgive you, however, I’ll protect myself from you emotionally from that point on. But, I’m not going to seek revenge and I’m not going to hate you for the rest of my life, even though I may well be justified if I did. That is assuming it’s not a long term situation, because eventually you’ll wake the beast. She’s real and she has a temper fueled by so much pent up pain and anger that its pure destruction when unleashed. 

However, the pain you caused, the flood of disappointment, the memory of that gut punch, still remains, buried deep within and held close by the little girl who was told repeatedly that nobody cared about her “feelings”. 

gmj ~ inside out

Listen, I know I go hard when it comes to politics, especially politics that blind us to the real issues with the endless debates, propaganda, lies, statistical manipulating, brainwashing, policy, procedure, mandating, problem/resolution circus, fact-checking, fear mongering malarky. Okay? It is just beyond unreal to me that it works. That there exists a huge population of people who believe what the talking heads say and swallow it hook, line, and sinker. Never question. Never explore ideas outside the mainstream. Are completely incapable of debate and flat refuse to even consider a possibility outside the approved rhetoric, even when presented with evidence to the contrary. I wasn’t made that way and it’s mind boggling to me.

One example is an issue that has been overlooked by every single one of us, which is a travesty and also highlights how effective the above mentioned tactics are, because they have served to take from us basic standards of humanity, care, and dignity. Let’s talk about Biden. I know he’s an easy target. It’s a fact that I don’t know of one instance in his entire political career where he didn’t appear to be a snake in the grass to me. However, it’s my understanding that exploitation of the elderly is a crime in this fine country, as is exploitation of the mentally incompetent.

The federal Elder Justice Act, enacted in 2010, defines financial exploitation of the elderly as, "the fraudulent or otherwise illegal, unauthorized, or improper act... that uses the resources of an elder for monetary or personal benefit, profit, or gain, or that results in depriving an elder the rightful access to, or use of, benefits, resources, belongings, or assets."

Can someone from Health and Human Services do a wellness check on Mr. Biden? His mental decline can not be denied, in fact, we’ve all speculated, made jokes, and basically amused ourselves at his expense, because we were so focused on the politics, but I want you to think about this. He was hidden away for much of “his” campaign. He forgets where he is, who he is talking to, who he is talking about. He confuses his words and has difficulty forming complete sentences. He can’t even follow a teleprompter. He is a classic example of elderly dementia and/or Alzheimer.
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Yet, somebody, along with the cooperation of his loved ones, and the entire world, apparently, is propping him up, parading him through the press, and using this elderly, mentally unstable man to further their own political agenda. Using his undeniably impressive political tenure to their own advantage. That’s elderly abuse. That’s exploitation. Regardless of what you think about Biden the politician, can we, for one moment, consider Biden the elderly, dementia ridden fellow human being? Would you allow your own parent or loved one to be used in such a manner? Seriously, what kind of a society have we become? gmj~inside out

Let's all enjoy a quick lesson in "connect the dots". This could easily turn into an entire tomb-like book, but the intention here is just to make "people" think. A brief little wake up call or an interesting peek into "the rabbit hole". You'll take from it what you wish, of course.

​Remember back in 2016 when they terrorized us with the mosquito-borne virus Zika? Never hear about that now, do you? 2014-16 was the Ebola pandemic. 2012, and continuing today, we have the MERS pandemic. 2009-10 was H1N1 (swine flu). 2003 was the SARS pandemic. Did you even know we had a cholera pandemic in the 90’s? 1981 was the AIDS pandemic. Even the seasonal flu is considered a pandemic. But now, we have Covid-19 which has caused substantially fewer deaths than has been contributed to the flu or even pneumonia, both of which are more prevalent, but do you see a difference here?  

To so-called “conspiracy theorists”, situations like this are a signal to be vigilant, because history has taught them that when the media pulls our attention in one specific direction, we need to start paying attention to what’s playing out behind the scenes. 2020 was very tricky indeed, because there was so much happening not only in the outside world, but also behind closed government doors. It’s all still playing out, but in the meantime, let me remind you of another time such as this from our history books; The Great Depression.

The Great Depression was manufactured in order to usher in all kinds of “temporary” socialist programs in order to help the depressed masses, which, of course, never went away. If you think I’m exaggerating or paranoid you should probably wake up now. They are still here, they have expanded exponentially, and they have created a certain “mindset” that is pervasive, especially within economically depressed demographics. Not coincidentally, the largest demographic and one I identify with as I grew up in such a community. Temporary assistance is now a permanent crutch, and over the years has bred a certain sense of “entitlement”.  

They created a dependence on the government. They “flipped” the script. Shifted the entire dynamic because the “government” is  supposed to be dependent on The People. In fact, The Depression was used to create a new arm of the government now known as “Health and Human Services”. The “welfare” office. Makes sense to create such a “temporary” agency at a time like that, right? What kind of selfish animal would be against helping people?

What else were “they” doing while Americans were suffering from the dire consequences of "their" actions? “They” were creating major federal programs and agencies including the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC), the Civil Works Administration (CWA), the Farm Security Administration (FSA), the National Industrial Recovery Act of 1933 (NIRA) and the Social Security Administration (SSA). The Farm Credit Administration was established in 1933 to help combat economic issues during the Great Depression. In total, fourteen new federal arms of government were created by the federal government in “The New Deal”. 

Civilian Conservation Corps, Civil Works Administration, Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, Federal Emergency Relief Administration, Tennessee Valley Authority, Federal Communications Commission, Federal Housing Administration, Securities Exchange Commission, National Labor Relations Act, Rural Electrification Administration, Social Security Administration, Works Progress Administration, Farm Security Administration, and the Fair Labor Standard Act. These agencies are nothing more than agencies of control - control of you.

In hindsight, 80+ years later, can you see the areas of our lives they took control of while they were helping us survive a situation they created? Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? But the people are the only ones experiencing desperate times, and the desperate measures never go away. Let’s see what they were working on in 2016 when they were keeping the masses distracted with the mosquito-borne Zika virus, shall we?

Really, you have to ask yourself what happened in 2015 that caused them to scramble like the rats they are? June 16, 2015, Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President. One of their own, from their own circles, who knows too much and doesn’t play the game by “their” rules. Immediately the stuff hit the fan! According to a memo released by WikiLeaks, in 2015 Hillary Clinton's campaign instructed the Democratic National Convention to focus on "Pied Piper candidates" Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and Ben Carson. All conservatives.
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Where's there's smoke, there is fire.  So, as usual, they bombarded the masses with misleading and confusing “news reports” in order to educate you on what it is they would like for you to believe. Election cycles alone are a prime example and when you top that off with Revelation-esque killer mosquitoes, and whispers of Russian collusion, you suddenly have a wonderfully manufactured smokescreen.

Not so coincidentally, in 2016, the Trump campaign was the target of a covert FBI investigation known as Crossfire Hurricane, as well as several other independent FBI sources, at the request of the Democratic party, to discover if any coordination existed between the campaign and Russia or if any other criminal activity occurred. What was the end result? A March, 2019 report issued by special counsel Robert Mueller, at the conclusion of his investigations, found President Trump, whether as a candidate or President elect, had committed no crime.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, it was Biden and his son who were selling America out, among others, to the Chinese government. And of course there was the illegal immigrant issue which has been on-going, and which Trump was very vocal about, and now, nine months after he left office, where are we? Oddly, the Clinton trouble still seems unsettled because witnesses against them keep committing suicide. So "they" say.
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What else was happening in 2016? A newly formed group called "Free the Delegates" sought to change the convention rules to include a 'conscience clause' that would allow delegates bound to Trump to vote against him. Another new group called "Delegates Unbound" engaged in "an effort to convince delegates that they have the authority and the ability to vote for whomever they want". Ummm, the problem there, is the delegates are supposed to cast votes according to the apparent wishes of the people. That is literally their job.

Interestingly enough, here are the five most dangerous conspiracy theories of 2016, according to politico.com:

Mexicans and refugees are murderers, rapists and terrorists. The danger: violence. Not violence against Americans by refugees, and no mention of the legal objections to said immigrants, but violence against Mexicans and refugees by Americans. How did that play out?

“There’s something going on.” Yeah, how dare the pee-ons question you? The danger: mass paranoia. The government prefers to orchestrate mass paranoia itself, they claimed that arena, thank you very much. It’s their tool. Let’s look at the actual definition of “paranoia”, which is “a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system.”

​Um, I know you are but what am I? Right? A little of the “pot calling the kettle black”? That’s right. Any elected official who thinks they are above being questioned by those they govern, who feel they are being "persecuted" by those who dare to do so, most definitely has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.  That's just facts, folks.

Hilary Clinton is a Manchurian candidate. A Manchurian candidate is a person, especially a politician, being used as a puppet by an enemy power. The term is commonly used to indicate disloyalty or corruption, whether intentional or unintentional.​ I don’t really think I need to say much else, except that our government is legitimately full of Manchurian candidates. The danger: Institutional distrust, political polarization. Well, an overreaching government can't have that! Except that they themselves work really hard on that polarization. That’s part of their game.

Vast right-wing conspiracy. Danger: Lack of accountability (from us?). Interestingly enough, here’s a little blurb they (the article author) provided to justify this one, and notice where the lack of accountability really lies.

“This particular one was born during the height of the investigations into then-President Bill Clinton’s business practices and personal life. During a Today Show interview, then-first lady Hillary Clinton dismissed the burgeoning Monica Lewinsky scandal: “The great story here for anybody willing to find it and write about it and explain it,” she said, “is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for president.” 

FUN! I think we all know how that played out, yes? But in 2016 it was Hilary's mishandling of official emails and disappearing and/or destroyed and wiped servers. Not suspicious at all, Hilary.  Next!

Everything is “rigged”. Danger: Disenfranchisement and alienation. So, what happened? Disenfranchisement and alienation. We are teetering on not only a civil war here at home, because of the election, and yet another "pandemic" that is being used to appropriate more individual freedoms to satisfy purported exigent circumstances in the face of evidence to the contrary, but we are also on the verge of  another world war. Needless, and reckless actions were taken by our government, that have armed an enemy of the people of the world.

The elite love a good war. They can steal additional powers from the people and they make bank! It also makes some of us wonder what they're really doing that they felt the need to up the ante in terms of what we are dealing with currently. The campaigns of Trump and Sanders repeatedly alleged during the primaries that the nomination process is rigged. Trump claimed that in states without voter ID laws in place, fraud will be rampant. I am not even going to say it.

Here are some "theories" that got “honorable mention” by politico.com: 

*Pharmaceutical companies are hiding the connection between vaccines and autism. Danger: Death  But, it’s been proven and lawsuits have been pursued and won. How do you not know this?

*Big agricultural companies are hiding the negative effects of genetically modified foods. Danger: Higher food costs, damage to the environment. Is there even anyone left who doesn’t know this is true?

*Ted Cruz’s father took part in the assassination of President Kennedy. Danger: A trip down the rabbit hole. I never heard that one but I can’t make this stuff up, people. More people should take a trip down the rabbit hole, if by that you mean they question everything and especially the government. You should question everything and especially your government. The United States government, a Republic, was never meant to be autonomous. All but the Ted Cruz theory have played out right in front of your eyes and you still can’t see? 

Let’s look at another “conspiracy theory” that took the whole world by storm; 9/11. We’re not going to rehash all the theories here. Those were part of the distraction, you see? Instead of investigating legitimate questions brought forth by the people, they spend considerable time convincing you that the evidence is fake. But what's important, in this writing, is what happened while you were distracted. Just off the top of my head, TSA and the Patriot Act. Two of the worst freedom stealing, sheep training, entities employed against the American people since the Great Depression. Up until now, of course. 

​No longer can you travel “freely”. Now you must remove clothing items, be searched, groped, scanned, and otherwise violated to earn your seat on that plane, in spite of the fact you paid cold, hard cash for it, and age, ability, nationality, not even the legal obligation of "reasonable suspicion", are barriers to the federal gropers. And many complied because you were afraid. To make YOU feel more comfortable. Now, it's the new norm, and we all adjust our lives to make additional time to get through "security", just in case our tube of toothpaste is an ounce or two over the "limit", or somebody didn't like the idea of putting certain "suspicious" items in the bag they checked.

God forbid someone has a loose battery rolling around in their carry-on, or in my case, nail clippers.  That's right, I made the cut for an extensive search of my carry on bag, meaning all my personal items were displayed for everyone to see, while a federal employee rifled through it and then literally examined my nail clippers and the case they came in looking for contraband and/or trying to figure out how I planned to use said clippers to take out a plane full of passengers.

Wikipedia states that the Patriot Act expanded surveillance abilities of law enforcement, including by tapping domestic and international phones; eased inter-agency communication to allow federal agencies to more effectively use all available resources in counter-terrorism efforts; and increased penalties for terrorism crimes and an expanded list of activities which would qualify for terrorism charges.

They go on to say the law is controversial due to its authorization of indefinite detention without trial of immigrants, and due to the permission given to law enforcement to search property and records without a warrant, consent, or knowledge. Since its passage, several legal challenges have been brought against the act, and federal courts have ruled that a number of provisions are unconstitutional.

It contains many sunset provisions as well and before the sunset date, an extension was passed for four years which kept most of the law intact. In May 2011, President Barack Obama signed the PATRIOT Sunset Extensions Act of 2011, which extended three provisions. These provisions were modified and extended until 2019 by the USA Freedom Act, passed in 2015. In 2020, efforts to extend the provisions were not passed by the House of Representatives. They had no intention of ever letting that Act go.

If that’s not concerning enough, you should consider whether or not you fall under the category of a “terrorist”, which was also expanded after 9/11. Particularly “home-grown terrorists”. Religious “fanatics”, of course. Also meaning Christians, or perhaps non-Christians, depending on what angle they’re working. Doesn’t matter that freedom of religion was built right into the Constitution.

Gun owners of course. Nevermind that gun ownership was specifically addressed in the Constitution. Survivalists! Yeah, we can’t have people living independent of the system. Those people are the most dangerous. Let’s call them cults or militias and put them on the list. 

The list goes on and on, of course you can’t find it online anymore for some weird reason, unless you already know exactly where to find it. On American google, anyway. Yes, that’s a thing. Which brings me back around to those pesky “conspiracy theorists”. How dare they question the narrative?! Questions "them"?!

It was the government itself that coined the term “conspiracy theorist” in the first place, set the tone and meaning of the term they made up, and then bombarded the masses with their new word in a very derogatory manner, and you follow their lead like little lost sheep.

If you think for one second that what we’ve allowed to happen during this latest so-called pandemic is going to go away any time soon, and without a fight, all of which was sold to you as "temporary", then you are the one that’s delusional. I would suggest you cozy up with the nearest conspiracy nut and try to get caught up on what’s really happening, because it’s happening right in front of your eyes.

While you live in fear of a virus that they can’t scientifically prove even exists, which kills fewer people annually than the seasonal flu, according to their own numbers, the vaccine for which has proven to be no vaccine at all but gene therapy, they are rapidly legislating the end of our freedoms in response to a situation they created, and are doing so at your insistence. It’s going exactly as planned.

And at the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" 

This verse has caused me many hours of contemplation and questioning. Why would Jesus feel “forsaken”, and why at this particular moment? Not while he was being slandered and maligned. Not while he was being hunted and persecuted. Not even when he was being beaten and nailed to a cross. No, it's now, at that specific moment, that He feels forsaken. In the ninth hour. 

Many times I’ve brought this question before God and always there was no answer given. I have asked others repeatedly to no avail. I have read the Word, seeking answers, and I have sat in silence and waited. For naught. Tonight, unasked and unprovoked, the answer was given. Not a moment before it was time - in Divine timing, which itself is a little bonus lesson for me, personally. I'm not what I would call the most patient of students. 

I will endeavor to give to you my understanding as it was given to me, but sometimes it’s given in a flash of insight and I am left with the essence of the knowledge and have to suss out the words to convey it. But, here goes.

We are seeds that have been planted in the earth, and in order for a seed to grow it must first break open. The stronger the seed, the harder the blow required. The longer the process. Seeds are broken open by the elements. Man is broken open by pain, which comes in many forms but always with the same effect. Through pain we are weakened and it is when we are weakened completely that we surrender. We “break”. It is at that moment that light can finally enter the seed to activate its growth, and it is at that moment that The Light enters “man”. 

Jesus felt forsaken in that moment because that was the moment just before He surrendered to the process. Could He have surrendered sooner? Presumably. Could He have had a misunderstanding of what He thought would happen? Possibly. He believed, and taught, that “the wages of sin is death", and He was without sin. 

Understand this, Jesus was God but Jesus was also human. He came to walk AS man, a LIVING example for us to follow. As humans, even when our faith is strong, we fear the unknown. Doubt still creeps in. Otherwise, we would have no need for faith at all.

We know Jesus had these moments because He asked God to let this cup pass from him. But in order for the prophecy to be fulfilled, in order to receive the glory of God through rebirth of the Spirit, we must surrender all to Him. All the fear, the doubt, and the pain, yes, but also, and most especially, our preconceived notions; our "earthly" ideals and ideas. Everything and all of it. We must die to "self".

And remember, the potter does not repair or rebuild a beautifully intact work of art. The potter begins His work with something broken, or with a lump of clay; something with no form. And what does the bible say about surrendering? 

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself. Whoever does not is not worthy of me.  Be transformed by the renewal of your mind. (Side note: “self” is created in our own mind. An entity we created so that we can fit into our current environment. “Self” is what the world has made you believe you are.) Trust in the Lord and do not lean on your own understanding.

Any one of you who does not renounce all [that he has/is] cannot be my disciple. Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you. And after you have suffered a little while, [there will be suffering], the God of all grace will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 

“Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” That was all He had left to surrender. "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.” 

The water referred to here is the water of life, the amniotic fluid, from which physical man is born. [not baptism] The Holy Ghost is “Spirit”, and only Spirit can birth a new Spirit. Believe me when I say this, you can not hide from the Holy Ghost. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. 1 Corinthians 2:10 You can fool a lot of people a lot of the time, even yourself, but you can not fool the Holy Spirit.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

"For John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God."

Birth is painful, and  ultimately, death is something we do alone. None can take that journey with us, but death itself is only a “moment” in time. Just a moment in our journey. We have to choose it or surrender to it to be reborn. [For·sak·en /fərˈsākən/ adjective / abandoned or deserted].

But why the ninth hour? That seemed significant; specific. Why is the number nine so special? The 'Fruit of the Spirit' comprises nine graces: love, peace, suffering, gentle, good, faith, meek and temperance. The 'Gifts of the Spirit' are 9 in number: the word of wisdom, the word of knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, tongues, and interpretation of tongues. Coincidence? There’s no such thing.

From doowons.com:

"Before we start one must understand that numbers were not invented, they were discovered.

To understand Nine one must consider Numerology. The Number Nine is the last number in a base 10 system. Which is the last and limit of ALL that is material. The Number Nine holds a code that affects every person on earth. This hidden code reveals a great truth and is encoded into the construct of our universe. Nine is not just a number, it is consciousness itself. 

The process of reducing a number down to one digit is called by many names and is common practice not only in numerology, but in mainstream science. Since numbers are at the heart of Quantum Mechanics and Quantum Language, then one would have to consider numbers are an inherent part of this universe.

Composed of three trinities (3 times 3 equals 9), nine represents the principles of the sacred Triad taken to their utmost expression. Nine has been and still is considered thrice sacred and represents perfection, balance, [and] order, in effect, the Supreme Superlative.

From a numerological perspective, the 9 simply takes over, like the infamous changeling. Any number that was initially increased by a factor of 9 loses its own identity and instead takes on the characteristics of the 9. Some may call Nine the Singularity. [I and the Father are One] The Hebrews referred to nine as the symbol of immutable Truth. Nine is the number of the one who accomplishes the divine will. According to the Cabal, it is also the number of “achievement”. The free-masons have made it the eternal number of human immortality. 

[This number is] The Number of man, as a numeral symbol of his gestation (nine months). [The] Number of the hierarchy, represented by nine choruses of the Angels. [Also]Representing the three divine manifestations in the three planes, world of spirit, world of thought, world of matter, which gives a triple manifestation of Trinity (3 x 3=9)."

There is so much hidden knowledge in the Word that can only be revealed by God Himself, The Holy Ghost, which is why you are instructed to seek. What you read in your bible and what most "see"? Just the breadcrumbs that you have to follow to find God. You were not instructed to seek out a church and believe what you are taught. You were instructed to seek HIM. 

The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God.

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. 

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.

The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. Note: notice how he uses [eye] in the singular? Not an accident. He is referring to the 3rd eye. The eye of discernment.

Remember that there are no coincidences and everything is connected. Follow the clues, connect the dots, learn to listen, and soon you’ll be on the path.

G. Jones
08/28/21

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As painful and scary as it is right now, it’s time for these old systems to be destroyed. It’s all a sham and we need to see it for what it really is. White vs black. Rich vs poor. Man vs woman. Conservative vs liberal. Democrats vs Republican. Religious belief system against religious belief system. Nation against nation. This was not our purpose! ANY group or organization that operates to sustain one of these paradigms is the enemy. 

Look to your friends and neighbors. Have they really ever done anything to you that would cause you to hate, or are you looking at them with the queer eye because somebody outside yourself is telling you that they are your enemy? They’ve made you suspicious and fearful and you are letting them by lending your ear.

Take back your individual sovereignty! Take back your free will. Your neighbor is not your enemy, the system is your enemy.  KKK, BLM, Antifa, Bilderberg group, Family Planning, Child “Protective” services, United Nations (my ass!), ABC, CBS, NBC, Neo-Nazi groups, White Nationalists, Black Separatists, Anti-LGBT, Jewish Task Force, the list goes on and on! 

Congratulations, you are now their TOOL! 

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Our relationship with the universe has always fascinated me. I say relationship because that’s what it is in the simplest language. We interact with it without conscious thought because we are the same substance. We operate on the same frequencies and speak in the same native tongue. We are one with each other. I instinctively knew this early on in life but I couldn’t explain it and didn’t even know yet that this was uncommon. I certainly didn’t know how to control it and hints of it started appearing somewhere around the time I turned two years old. 

First came the knowing of things. Bits of knowledge I plucked from some universal library of information. I could feel a person’s energy, sometimes tell exactly what they were thinking or feeling but not saying, and even sense things that were about to happen immediately, or in the near future. I still recall the bafflement I felt upon learning everyone couldn’t do that. They didn’t have this sense of knowing; a symbiotic relationship with the world around them. They didn’t hear or feel; they didn’t see. It was innate to me.

Over the years I learned to heed that still voice or feeling inside me. Learned to stretch my mind and reach into that universal library of knowledge. I would read palms, weave dreams, accept that crazy thought as valid and act on it, even trust my instincts because the gut just knew. But as time went on and life got busy, there would be times in my life when I ignored it. At other times I would open myself to it, gathering whatever information I needed before tucking it back in it’s box, which is where I kept it, for the most part, from 2004 until sometime in 2011. 

As the last hours of 2019 ticked away, I found myself reflecting on the path that brought me here. It occurred to me that it was around 2011 when I first began manifesting the life I wanted for myself now; eight years later. From a room of desperate unhappiness, anger, frustration, pain, and sadness, I instinctively reached out for that connection and began the work of changing my mind, my situation, and my life; brick by brick. I began to manifest by sheer power of will my current life. The realization went something like this:

Still, quiet voice in my head: “You’re happy.”

Me: “I’m not quite there.”

Still, quiet voice in my head: “You have everything you once wanted so badly you could taste it.”

Me: “There are missing pieces. I want more.”

Still, quiet voice in my head: “You're thinking like the you of yesterday, which you are no more. During the process of changing your life, you also changed who you are. You must now re-evaluate and manifest what you want in this moment for the new you.”

Me: “That’s deep, quiet voice in my head.”
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Of course I also learned during that same time that before you can have something new the old has to fall away. Universal laws don’t bargain, they clear the path for what’s next, and when you understand that, you stop fearing the loss and start listening for the invitation. I did this on purpose."

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"I'll tell you what, Sissy, I'll buy you those tennis shoes, but I'll also buy you these high heels, and when you're not at school, you'll wear the high heels." I looked in my dad's eyes, then at the floor, considering, knowing I didn't want to make that bargain but I did want the tennis shoes. I already knew at this point that life was going to be a long cycle of compromising with people who wanted me to be something I wasn't, in exchange for a little bit of who I really was. So, I left that store with both the tennis shoes I wanted and the heels that I knew were going to be the bane of my existence.

I did try to uphold my end of the bargain, but, really, I never wore shoes at all when I was at home, preferring instead to run our property in my bare feet, the feel of the earth beneath me, connecting me to a source I didn't yet recognize but one I knew I must have. But, my inner sense of honor kept forcing those shoes to the front of my consciousness, and they called to me, demanding I uphold my end of the bargain.

They were beautiful shoes, and I picked them out myself, trying them on and taking them for a spin mostly out of curiosity. Light tan, about a two-inch heel, nothing too risque or dangerous for a first run, but I wasn't born to them. I do believe the wearing of heels is a natural born talent. So, I wore them when I went to the grocery store, when I went to check the mail, sometimes just around the house, trying to get my ankles to behave, trying out different step patterns because the sound of the heels on the floor annoyed me, goodbye ninja moves, and ended up with a walk I'm sure looked awkward and unnatural.

My hatred for the shoes grew quickly, as did my disgust at myself. I'd seen this done a million times. Women all over the world were doing this every day, all day; what was wrong with me?! But this was a journey, and the next step in the journey, the next natural step for parents seeing their daughter blossoming into womanhood, apparently, was pantyhose. Word to those who come after me; you can not hand a chubby twelve-year-old a pair of pantyhose with no more instruction than, "put these on"!

What followed could have been a circus act if it hadn't been so pitiful. I pulled them from the pack and just stood there looking at them in awe and not a little trepidation. I was not a thin girl, by any standard, and the first thing I noticed was those things didn't look like they'd fit my nine-year-old sister, who was a "thin girl". But I'm an optimist, and never afraid to try, so try I did.

First, I tried to put them on like I put on my pants. One leg, all the way up to above the knee, then the next leg. Big mistake. I ended up flat on my back on my bed, one leg straight out in the air, the other leg bent back to my chest as I struggled to get my foot first into the pantyhose and then all the way down to the toe area, rolling side to side, struggling to take in air, face red, sweat beading. Finally, the legs went down and I just flopped on the bed trying to catch my breath, knowing there had to be an easier way to do this.

Next, I tried first one foot, then the other, slowly working them up my legs in tandem. Ten minutes later I had them back up to just above the knee and was feeling much like the first man on the moon must have felt. This was uncharted territory, and I was doing it! But, Houston, we had a problem. The combination of the "control top panty" and the softly rounded thighs topped by well-padded womanly hips was enough of a struggle to throw me into a temper tantrum of historic proportions which resulted in me ripping the pantyhose off and throwing them on the floor to be stomped on, repeatedly. There was sweat and there were tears. The blood would come later.

Through sheer determination and lots of practice, I did eventually learn how to get pantyhose on, but it was not a pretty process, and let me say it was a wise decision to sell them in packs of three. Who knew a hangnail could be so destructive? I was feeling especially proud of myself at this point. I had conquered the pantyhose, and I could walk with some semblance of normalcy in the heels.

And then appeared the dress to match. Should have seen that coming. I donned them all and took off down the hill to Grandma's house to show off my accomplishments. I was a young woman! A young woman who wore pantyhose and heels and I had the world by the tail. Until I spotted my sister sitting on the swing halfway there.

When I think back on what happened next, like many such episodes in my life, I remember in slow motion. Live Technicolor; reel by reel. That rope swing, hanging from the biggest oak tree in our front yard, was the pinnacle of my childhood, and my sister my lifelong playmate. And there I stood, at a crossroads between childhood and adulthood. I wanted to swing with my sister, and I wanted to show off my new clothes. "Come give me a push, Ginny." my sister said. I did waiver. I hesitated, looking at Grandma's house and back at Leona on the swing. And again, I decided to compromise. I would give her one good push and then go on to Grandma's.

The best push, the most economical when you don't have a lot of time, the one that will give maximum height to the swinger is, of course, the "over-under". So, I positioned myself behind my sister, grabbed the seat of the swing, and pulled her back and as high as I could before taking off at a dead run, thrusting her over my head while I went under the seat of the swing. It was a perfectly executed "over-under", gold medal worthy had it been an Olympic event.

And then it happened. I was betrayed by my ankles. Ankles that protested heels. Ankles that had apparently been plotting revenge against me from the beginning for forcing them to hold a position that the human ankle was not intended to hold for lengthy periods of time. In mid-stride my ankle just ... let go, throwing me to the ground. Of course, I was still on a dead run downhill, and science being what it is, I did not come to a sudden and complete stop. No, I continued downhill on my stomach for a good 10 feet. Arms stretched out trying to stop myself and looking like the star player sliding into the home base to save the game.

I could hear my sister laughing. Hysterically. Like, had to stop the swing so she wouldn't fall off, laughing. After catching my breath and assuring myself that nothing was broken, hoping for the best, I picked myself up to assess the damage. I was a mess. The dress was now dirty, the pantyhose were shredded, and I was bleeding from scraped arms and knees. I was devastated.

I think it was in that moment that I made the decision to draw the first line in the sand when it came to compromise. There would be many more lines to come, but that was the first. I wasn't the high heels, pantyhose, dresses, hours putting on makeup and styling my hair kind of girl. I'm a keep it simple, slap on some mascara, jeans and t-shirts for comfort, flip-flops girl. And that's okay. I'm okay with that.

It was a struggle and there was a price to pay because of course people can't "let you be". I've spent my life being bombarded with well-meaning advice on how to be a better me. A prettier girl. Some were hurtful, extremely judgmental, and downright rude but, I digress. Nothing is harder for young people trying to fit in and be accepted by peers than to be "different". I have since found my comfort level and enjoy dressing up, the make-up,and even heels but still, by their very existence, the "girly-girls" make me feel inferior.

Don't get me wrong. I do have female friends. Women I admire and love. Women of great beauty. Not because of their visage, but because of their spirit and strength. Women are amazing creatures. They will reach out from within their own pain and comfort another. They will cry tears for you and with you. They can draw you out and hold you down. They will fight with tooth and claw and love with tender mercies. And, if you are patient and kind, they will show you their true beauty in all its splendor. Beauty queens, tomboys, plain Janes, and the girl-next-doors. All of them that I hold dear are forever exquisitely beautiful to me.

But those shoes at the beginning of my story? I knew in my gut that those shoes were not for me. They were nothing more than the passing curiosity of a young woman trying to feel her way. I didn't want them, but I did want to please my father, and I did want to try to fit in so I wouldn't stand out. Because that is what our society teaches us; to fit in as opposed to standing out. I wasn't of an age to question any of it and at that stage of life "standing out" can be quiet scary and uncomfortable.

But, that was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to stand out, be my own self, not conform to social pressures that made absolutely no sense and really had no definitive value to me. Everything in me resisted conformity and even though I manage to fake it, for the most part, it's a constant struggle. It was and is an uncomfortable state for me. I don't think at the heart of it all that we are meant to conform.

Unfortunately, the non-conformers are given labels that are designed to set us apart from the conformers; to shame us into conforming. Just labels. I'm learning to feel them. Acknowledge them. Even embrace them. I will continue to try to be my most authentic self, in spite of, and in direct defiance to, the pressure to spend what may well be my only life conforming to an existence others believe is proper and necessary. Conformity is for society's comfort; not the individual's.

​G. Jones 2018

I don't usually wade into the religion debates, because there are no clear winners; only a bunch of people who have an opinion based on an interpretation by someone identified as a church leader. I believe we're all hanging on by faith to whatever our belief is, because unless you've been there, death, and came back, none of us really KNOW.  We believe. We trust.  We hope. And we have faith.  But,  we are trusting in the words of other mortals, words colored by THEIR beliefs. But, I digress. 

I was in downtown St. Louis last Tuesday, in the very back of a medical transport van.  The driver I recognized from my Lord's Ranch days, so I knew he was a Christian. Of course, the AM Christian radio station was also a dead giveaway. Rush hour traffic was moving predictably slow, and I noticed a woman walking along the median holding a sign that said, "Living On Love".

Clearly, this woman was asking for help. She was thin, and dirty, and had what could possibly be all her worldly goods in her worn out back-pack.  I noticed the driver rolling down the window and thought, "Good, he's going to give her a few dollars." But, no.

He very nicely said, "Living on love, huh? I know someone who loves you",  and then began to tell her how Jesus loves her, and does she know where she's going (when she leaves this place). Now, I know Christians are supposed to spread the Word, but immediately several things went through my head that struck me. First was, "what a self-righteous jack-ass". 

You read that right.  A self-righteous jack-ass.  What did Jesus tell us to do when we see someone in need?  Did he tell us to tell them, "Jesus loves you." and then send them off down the road still hungry?  I don't think so.  

I believe there are many examples of what Christians are supposed to do, but here's one that's pretty clear; 1 John 3:17-18 - "Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."  This gentleman probably felt pretty good about himself for telling that woman Jesus loved her, but did those words help that woman that day?  Was she no longer hungry?

We are supposed to live by Jesus' example.  When the lame approached Jesus, or the sick, poor, even those mentally deranged, did Jesus merely tell them HE loved them and move on?  I don't think so.  He did some thing.  "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven".

There is a time and a place to share the Word.  Giving someone who is hungry a platitude we all learned our first day of bible school is not the Lord's work.  Feeding the hungry?  That sounds more appropriate.  Deuteronomy says, "you shall open your hand to him and lend him sufficient for his need, whatever it may be."

And I know what you are thinking, as I have had the same thought many times.  Another mistake I think we make is assuming this woman was just a slacker.  Too lazy to work to support herself and just looking for some easy money she'll probably spend on booze or drugs.  Right?  

First, we are only responsible for our own actions.  Let that sink in.  The Lord instructed us to "open our hand and lend her sufficient for her need".  He didn't tell us to wonder what she'll do with what she is given, just to give!  What she does with it is between her and the Lord.  Our job is to GIVE IT. What did we learn the second day of bible school?  Judge Not!

Another assumption that was immediately made was that this woman couldn't possibly be a Christian. Why did he assume she was a non-christian?  Because she had fallen on hard times? How many times in the Bible were people put to this test?

One guy was instructed to go to another land where a widow would sustain him for a time. Now, who would want to be that guy?  He had to seek out this widow who had only enough grain to feed her and her child one more time and here he is telling her to feed him first!  And go fetch me some water too!?  Oh, sweet Jesus!  And the woman did it.  

How do you think that guy looked when he found the widow there gathering sticks? Finest clothes, bathed, and smelling of expensive oils?  I doubt it.  Doesn't the Word say, "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares"?  I believe if that woman hadn't done as instructed she and her child would have been left begging in the street, or worse.  

What about Job? He was blameless and upright. He feared God and turned from evil. I believe he was much loved by God, but he was put through hell! How do you think he looked at the end of his ordeal before God restored him? If he walked up to your car in downtown St. Louis, what would your response be?  
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My final thought: Jesus told us to LOVE, not in word, but in deed and in truth.  Love = action.  If the driver didn't feel led to give the woman some coin or food, I believe he would have been better off just driving on.  I don't believe he found any favor with the Lord that day.