My brain operates in a very peculiar way, I suppose, and I’ve found myself trying to explain it many times over the years. Though my default setting is largely emotional, just ask my kids, my brain is very analytical in how it processes information, especially emotions. In fact, I can spend hours, months, sometimes even years, exploring a single concept, but in emotional situations, I survive by utilizing the “this too shall pass” mantra.
I can read a history book and not be able to remember one single historical date, no matter how much I study, but I can give you a well thought out synopsis and some incredible insights. The same is true of names. I can literally have a good book open in my hand, be half way through it, enjoying every word, but if you ask me the names of the main characters, I may not be able to tell you. We can talk about the story in detail, but don’t ask me any details about the story. My brain literally does not care.
Perhaps this is a Generation X phenomenon? There is no doubt this is a result of my upbringing, during which I was repeatedly told to toughen up. Stop being a “sissy”. And we’ve all heard, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Oh, but they do.
There’s other bits of advice that are absolutely destructive to someone who was born wearing her heart on her sleeve, like “never let them see you sweat”, “fake it til you make it”, or “put on your game face”. The fact is that at this point, unless something is so painful, so overwhelming, and so sudden that I’m unable to mask it, you’ll never know you hurt me, and unless you know me well, it’s likely you’ll never know just how angry you made me.
Unfortunately, the same must be true when it comes to other emotions because I've been called cold, told I'm standoffish, heartless. Unemotional. The truth is that I may love you so powerfully, unconditionally, hold you in such high esteem, appreciate everything about you from the smallest kindness to the grandest gesture, and feel completely inadequate to properly express that. I'm also keenly aware that expressing those emotions makes me unimaginably vulnerable, so to offer them to you openly and without hesitation is the greatest gift, my purest offering, and the height of my bravery.
So, how does this play out in my interpersonal relationships and my day to day dealings with people in general? If I give my brain one minute too long to sit with something that just happened to me, chances are I’m going to start breaking it down, and before long, I’m going to understand perfectly why someone did that thing, or why that thing happened. You can’t be mad when you have understanding. I can’t anyway.
In reality, I have always found it to be a burden that my brain functions in concepts rather than just the cold hard facts. It would be easier to be mad, to plot revenge, to hate you. There have been times when I prayed for that anger because anger is easier and probably more fun.
I can avoid you. I can remove myself from the situation. I might decide I no longer like you. If I have enough love for you, I’ll forgive you, however, I’ll protect myself from you emotionally from that point on. But, I’m not going to seek revenge and I’m not going to hate you for the rest of my life, even though I may well be justified if I did. That is assuming it’s not a long term situation, because eventually you’ll wake the beast. She’s real and she has a temper fueled by so much pent up pain and anger that its pure destruction when unleashed.
However, the pain you caused, the flood of disappointment, the memory of that gut punch, still remains, buried deep within and held close by the little girl who was told repeatedly that nobody cared about her “feelings”.
gmj ~ inside out
I can read a history book and not be able to remember one single historical date, no matter how much I study, but I can give you a well thought out synopsis and some incredible insights. The same is true of names. I can literally have a good book open in my hand, be half way through it, enjoying every word, but if you ask me the names of the main characters, I may not be able to tell you. We can talk about the story in detail, but don’t ask me any details about the story. My brain literally does not care.
Perhaps this is a Generation X phenomenon? There is no doubt this is a result of my upbringing, during which I was repeatedly told to toughen up. Stop being a “sissy”. And we’ve all heard, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Oh, but they do.
There’s other bits of advice that are absolutely destructive to someone who was born wearing her heart on her sleeve, like “never let them see you sweat”, “fake it til you make it”, or “put on your game face”. The fact is that at this point, unless something is so painful, so overwhelming, and so sudden that I’m unable to mask it, you’ll never know you hurt me, and unless you know me well, it’s likely you’ll never know just how angry you made me.
Unfortunately, the same must be true when it comes to other emotions because I've been called cold, told I'm standoffish, heartless. Unemotional. The truth is that I may love you so powerfully, unconditionally, hold you in such high esteem, appreciate everything about you from the smallest kindness to the grandest gesture, and feel completely inadequate to properly express that. I'm also keenly aware that expressing those emotions makes me unimaginably vulnerable, so to offer them to you openly and without hesitation is the greatest gift, my purest offering, and the height of my bravery.
So, how does this play out in my interpersonal relationships and my day to day dealings with people in general? If I give my brain one minute too long to sit with something that just happened to me, chances are I’m going to start breaking it down, and before long, I’m going to understand perfectly why someone did that thing, or why that thing happened. You can’t be mad when you have understanding. I can’t anyway.
In reality, I have always found it to be a burden that my brain functions in concepts rather than just the cold hard facts. It would be easier to be mad, to plot revenge, to hate you. There have been times when I prayed for that anger because anger is easier and probably more fun.
I can avoid you. I can remove myself from the situation. I might decide I no longer like you. If I have enough love for you, I’ll forgive you, however, I’ll protect myself from you emotionally from that point on. But, I’m not going to seek revenge and I’m not going to hate you for the rest of my life, even though I may well be justified if I did. That is assuming it’s not a long term situation, because eventually you’ll wake the beast. She’s real and she has a temper fueled by so much pent up pain and anger that its pure destruction when unleashed.
However, the pain you caused, the flood of disappointment, the memory of that gut punch, still remains, buried deep within and held close by the little girl who was told repeatedly that nobody cared about her “feelings”.
gmj ~ inside out
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